What Is Self-love?
Self love is unconditional love and unconditional love is love without resistance to ‘what is’
It is also another word for happiness. Because in this context happiness is: Experience without resistance to ‘what is’
Unconditional love is therefore:
Pure recognition without judgement
Or in other words:
Pure perception without judgement
Self-love radiates from your heart and is therefore also the heart of your being
Self-love is self recognition, self-respect, self-worth, self-acceptance, without judgment, without censorship, without limitations.
Self-love is unconditional love for all parts of yourself. This means every personality part including every thought process and feeling in the form of an emotion and sensation that you experience.
You are the “Here and Now” because you are always here and now.
It doesn’t matter where you are because where you are is always “here” and when you are is always “now”. This is your authentic “I” who “lives” in the here and now. The different personality parts you have are like a uniform that you temporarily wear in different contexts and situations.
You are like a 3D screen and these personality parts are happening in you. These are temporary events that happen in your system (body / mind). They come and go and they keep changing but the core of what you are does not come and go nor does it change. This core is the observer of the changes that keep coming and going.
We can call this observer: “I”
And this “I” we can consider a “neutral I” because this “I” has the ability to “wear” the different personality parts that are constantly coming and going. Just like a screen “wears” the images that appear on it.
Self-love is therefore also the material that connects all connections in your system, just like a screen is the material that connects all the images. If there is no screen, there are no images. If there is no self-love or in other words no “neutral I”, there are no personality parts or events to experience.
Self-love is like the sun
Self-love radiates, beams, and shines in the here and now out of the heart of your being.
This is why self-love is like the sun because it is always shines and never stops shining. Sometimes it seems like the sun is gone because it is cloudy but the sun is always radiating, beaming and shining no matter how many clouds are in the sky.
An illusion can arise that the sun no longer shines because the clouds are in the way but the sun is always shining.
The sun is therefore like self-love. It is always shining and the clouds are just like the mental suggestions, ideas, (limited) beliefs, blockages that temporarily get in the way. Sometimes it is very cloudy and sometimes it is not.
Because it is a thought that suggests “I don’t have self-love” or “Self-love is gone” and you are not the thought. A thought says “I” A thought then talks about itself, “I the thought” not about you “I the observer” of the thought. The thought comes and goes, do you come and do you go? Or do you perceive the coming and going?
Whatever a thought suggests at a given point is true from that perspective. Because all perspectives are limited truth. But this also means that all the other perspectives are just as true from that point of view. It just depends on how you look at it.
This insight is one of the secrets of life as far as I am concerned:
Your perspective largely determines your truth and your truth is your hypnosis.
So the idea that self-love is gone is just an idea that seems to block self-love, much like a cloud standing in front of the sun.
Therefore, if you think, “I have no self-love” or “I don’t love myself” then you know that this is conceived, judged and said by a thought. Only thinking would say this because it is a mental idea of who you think you should be. We can call this mental idea of who you think you are: The ego.
The ego is actually a thought. It’s a belief in separation. A thought that says, “I am a person. This is who I am.” This while you are so much more than a thought, idea or person.
It’s like a drop of water that thinks it’s just a drop of water, instead of realizing that it is a part of the ocean that appears to be temporarily separated.
Self-love (your heart) would never say, “I don’t have self-love” or “I don’t love myself” because self-love is the core of what you are.
This means that you actually cannot have or lose self-love because self-love is what you already are.
The Head / Masculine energy / The Mind / Intellect / Ego / Conditional love says:
“If you do the things that I like, and find are okay and good, then I love you. If you do things that I don’t like, and don’t find okay and good then I don’t love you ”
This is the mindset of the ego because the ego is a mental idea created by our thinking.
The ego lives in duality because it suggests that it is separate and therefore it gives conditional love. This is giving love, but only under certain conditions.
The ego is a thought and therefore it lives in the imaginary world of the past or future.
The ego is a suggestion of who you think you are. It is a mental projection of an imaginary “I” and this I lives in the imaginary world of the past and the future.
The ego / intellect often says “must” and is contracted, focused energy and therefore limited by its own self-made mental structures. The ego / intellect is comparable to a software program in a computer. It is certainly not what you really are, nor what it says you are.
The ego / intellect is masculine energy, it is rational, logical and critical thinking, purpose and solution oriented, hard and egoistic. And let’s be clear that these are good traits when applied at the right time, in the right situations.
Just because the ego is masculine energy does not mean that only men experience an ego. Women also because we are all half masculine energy, half feminine energy because we were all made from a seed and an egg.
After you are born, your intellect is the last to be developed. The thinking brain, the neocortex comes last. after your brainstem (also called the reptilian brain) and your emotional brain. So the ego is the last to arrive at the party of your life.
The brainstem comes first, emotional brain second and thinking brain last. So the ego is the last to appear long after your heart.
The Body / Feminine energy / Emotions /
The emotions in the body are created by the meanings of the thoughts in the head. These are reflections in the body on what the thoughts in your thinking mean to you at that moment.
The emotions are created by the mind and the emotions can then be judged by the mind as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ emotions.
For example, often when an emotion feels comfortable in the body it is judged as a ‘good’ or ‘positive’ emotion.
And if it feels uncomfortable in the body it is judged as a ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ emotion.
In this sense, the emotions are the feminine energy, which are sometimes irrational and illogical from the perspective of thinking.
They want to connect and be recognized without judgment and when this happens they can go right through your system and disappear. This is because they only have one function and this is to express themselves without being judged.
If they are judged as ‘bad’ ‘wrong’ or ‘negative’ this creates resistance, and it causes the emotion to be metaphorically ‘stuck’ in the body. When they are recognized without judgment they can flow once more and ‘leave’ the body again Emotion = Energy in motion
The Heart / Self Love / The ‘I Am’ / Neutral and Transparent / Unconditional love says:
“It doesn’t matter what you do, I love you anyway”
This is the feeling of your heart.
Your heart has no limits because it has no structure. We are not talking about your beating heart which is physical but about the heart of your being. You could say your energy center.
Your Heart lives in non-duality and therefore it shines with unconditional love, love without conditions.
Your heart feels and lives in the here and now, not in an imaginary future or past.
Your heart is who you feel you are. The heart says “It can but it doesn’t have to be” and is therefore relaxed energy. It is not tense focused energy like the ego and therefore it is also unlimited and has no structure. Sometimes it seems to be limited by the mental structures that your intellect builds around it and therefore a person can sometimes think and believe “I have no self-love”.
Self love is unconditional love for what is and is always open to give and receive love, connect and is empathetic.
Self-love is unconditional love for what is.
If you love yourself unconditionally, you can love others much more easily.
If you don’t love yourself unconditionally, then it’s hard to really love other people because unconditional love radiates from the inside out.
From the perspective of self-love, there is only one “I” or “Self”
From the perspective of self-love, there is only one “I” or “Self”. There is no separation. All separations are imaginary and therefore mental. Self-love does not live in the dualistic dream world of thought and is therefore not limited by rational or logical thinking that creates fixed structures and sets rules.
The energy of Self-love is always helping, healing and relieving pain with respect and forgiveness. Please note! Forgiveness is not approval. Forgiveness is letting go of the past so that you can be happy in this future here and now. Want to know more about forgiveness? Click here: The power and magic of forgiveness
The opposite of self-love is self-rejection, and self-rejection is a mental action performed by the mind.
Self-love (your heart) loves ALL parts of you unconditionally.
Your heart knows that we as humans are not perfect and we make mistakes, but it also knows that at the deepest level we are infinite energy and unlimited potential and therefore perfect as we already are.
You could give self-love other names such as: Your Heart. Your Soul. Your Self Respect. Your True Self. God. And so on. It depends on your beliefs but it doesn’t matter what you call it because the label is not what it describes. They are two different things.
Self-love lives in the “here and now” and therefore knows spontaneously, intuitively and clearly which action is the best at that moment.
Self-love radiates love and warmth, supports, respects, helps, forgives, communicates clearly and is always there because self-love is the heart of your being.
Self-love recognizes, respects and accepts ALL parts of yourself without judgment.
This means not only all the positive things, skills, successes and beautiful things you’ve done as a person, but also all the negative things, lack of skills, failures and ugly things you’ve done as a person.
Self-love is not to be confused with narcissism or narcissistic behaviour
If someone shows narcissistic behaviour, this is clearly a sign of a lack of self-love. This is because it is abundantly clear that the person thinks he or she is less worthy than others.
This is easy to spot because the person is constantly trying to overcompensate or convince others that he or she is better or more worthy than other people. This is a selfish mindset and it’s all about “Me”
This overcompensation and persuasion also shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, which are often symptoms of a lack of self-love.
If you recognize and feel real self-love in yourself, you don’t have to prove it to others because you just know and feel it. And if you recognize and feel self-love, then you don’t really care what others think of you because you accept yourself without judgment, without censorship, without limitation.
This does not mean that you approve of everything you do because we all make mistakes. What it does mean is that you also accept your mistakes as part of yourself, and that’s okay. We keep learning and living, and living and learning and that’s a good thing.
So what I mean by “having self-love for all parts of yourself” is recognizing, respecting and accepting all parts of yourself without judgment. That way you radiate self-love and make a natural connection with every feeling or thought you perceive.
A typical selfish statement is: “You MUST do what I want otherwise YOU are selfish”
The ego really doesn’t like it when someone lives in his or her heart instead of his or her head, because then the ego loses all power to manipulate someone with emotional blackmail for example. This is because self-love and the ego often oppose each other. They don’t have to be in conflict but it can often happen.
A typical selfish statement is:
“You MUST do what I want otherwise YOU are selfish”
This sentence contradicts itself and is therefore incorrect. This sentence is an attempt to get the person to obey and tries to do this through emotional blackmail. Only the ego would say this because the ego often wants to control, manipulate and determine everything.
The ego says, “Must”
“You must do what I want otherwise you are selfish”
The heart says “Can”
For example, the heart would say: “You can do what I want but you don’t have to”
Do you feel the difference between the two versions of this statement?
So if you follow your heart and the ego of yourself or other people says that you are selfish because you are not doing what the ego wants you to do, you can now recognize this as a statement of the ego. Because it tries to manipulate you with emotional blackmail and force you to do what it wants you to do. This is good to realize and also recognize when it happens.
So don’t let this selfish trick fool, manipulate or force you. Live in your heart and do what YOU feel and therefore know is right. Take action out of unconditional love for yourself and for others with respect and acceptance for what is.
Because being yourself is not selfish. Being yourself is self-love!
Realize that you are the pure ability to perceive (Pure Awareness) and in you, your heart, intellect, thoughts, emotions and sensations etc all appear, happen and also disappear.
And what I also mean by “having self-love for all parts of yourself” is that you realize that you are not your intellect and you are not your heart. You are the conscious silent space in which your intellect and your heart appear. Otherwise called: Pure Awareness. Pure Perception. Pure Consciousness. Pure Realization. The “Here and Now Me”
You (Pure Awareness) have the natural ability to identify with what you perceive. Awareness is like a 3D screen that is aware and it has the ability to identify with the images that appear in it. For simplicity, we can say that some of the images that appear are your heart or your intellect. This is because your heart and your intellect appear in your Awareness, not the other way around.
Where do you live? Where are you located in your own system?
Are you established in your intellect in your head? Then you are identified with the ego. You mostly live in an imaginary past or future and this often causes an underlying sense of unrest.
Or are you established in your heart in your feeling? Then you are identified with your heart. You mostly live in the here and now with an underlying calm feeling.
Or are you located in the silent space of the here and now? Then you are identified with pure Awareness. You are neutral and transparent and you recognize that your heart, intellect and all events such as peace and unrest appear in you.
The closer you stay to the source, the more you constantly experience all the quality’s of the source. And what are the qualities of the source? Among others: Happiness. Peace. Well-being. Connection. Harmony. Freedom.
Thought imagines the source as a point somewhere in the silent space. But the source IS the silent space and is therefore always and everywhere all at the same time. The source is omnipresent.
For example: Think for a moment about the qualities of the silence and the space. They have the same qualities as the source because they are actually the source.
Where does silence begin and where does silence end?
Where can the edges of the silence be found?
Have you ever been able to perceive the edges of the silence?
The silence is like a blank sheet of paper (with no borders) on which different words or sounds are written or drawn. The silence never really goes away. It is only temporarily covered by the sounds that keep coming and going.
The silence has unconditional love for all the sounds that appear in it. It doesn’t matter if a sound is soft or loud, beautiful or ugly, nice or annoying because the silence does not judge and therefore has no preference for “what is”. All sounds can be there. Just like a blank sheet of paper does not judge what text or drawings appears on it.
The silence remains neutral and transparent and therefore considers all sounds as equal. Because of this the silence has unconditional love for what is and therefore has the same qualities as the source: Happiness. Peace. Well-being. Connection. Harmony. Freedom.
Where does space begin and where does space end?
Where are the edges of the space to be found?
Have you ever been able to perceive the edges of space?
We often think of different spaces, for example; my living space and my work space. But actually there is only one space with a lot of imaginary divisions.
Space is space. What I mean by this is the quality of the space is the same everywhere. There is only one space in which different activities take place. The space is therefore like a 3D holographic screen (with no borders) on or in which various temporary forms appear, happen and disappear.
But this 3D holographic screen is not just a screen for images. It is an ‘event screen’ because this is where all the events in our lives happen. For example, there are also sounds, smells, tastes, thoughts and so on that appear in this 3D holographic event screen.
Space has unconditional love for all events that appear in it. It makes no difference if an event is beautiful or ugly, fun or unpleasant, advantageous or disadvantageous because the space does not judge and therefore has no preference for “what is”. All events are allowed. Just like a screen does not judge what images appear in it.
The space remains neutral and transparent and therefore considers all events as equal. Because of this the space has unconditional love for what is and therefore also has the same qualities as the source: Happiness. Peace. Well-being. Connection. Harmony. Freedom.
Happiness and Freedom because there are no limitations. Peace and Harmony because there are no problems because there are no restrictions. Well-being and Connection because it is not possible to damage the silent space which means that it is always “healthy”.
Just as a screen cannot be damaged by the image that appears on it, it is also not possible for the silent space to be damaged by anything that appears in it. The silent space is therefore indestructible and that is why it is constantly present.
For example: If a forest fire happens during a movie, the screen does not even get hot. If a tsunami happens during a movie, the screen doesn’t even get wet. So whatever happens in the film never has any consequences for the screen.
It is the same during the movie of your life. It makes no difference what happens because the silent space of the here and now always remains undamaged and whole.
The silent space of the here and now
And because the silence and the space never go away, we can put them together and say: “The silent space of the here and now”
And where is “here”? Here’s where everything happens.
And when does it all happen? “Now” of course.
So the silent space of the here and now is a constant in our lives and it never goes away, and this is where self-love resides because the silent space has unconditional love for whatever event appears, happens and disappears in it.
Therefore, we can say that the silent space of the here and now and self-love are the same because self-love is unconditional love for “what is” without judgment, without resistance, without censorship.
The silent space of the here and now is impersonal, there is no “personal I” to be found, only an “impersonal I”
We can then say that your heart is the focus point in the here and now and therefore the energy centre in the silent space where you (the personal I) are located. It is the gateway between the unrealized and the realized. Your heart is therefore the natural connection between the “impersonal I” and the “personal I”
So the more you are focused with your attention in the here and now, the more you can feel and experience the qualities of self-love, because you are connecting your life energy back to the source of its origin.
From the perspective of your heart, there is no negative or positive. There is only “what is”
This includes the so-called “negative emotions” as well as the “positive emotions” that are felt. From your heart’s perspective, there is no negative or positive. There is only “what is”
This is non-duality (not two) and therefore also unconditional love. Love without conditions.
Negative and positive ideas live in your thinking in your imagination. This is duality (or two) and is therefore also conditional love.
Your heart lives in non-duality
So self-love is unconditional love, respect and acceptance for yourself and for others, and therefore also for “What is”.
Our intellect creates a mental identity and therefore excludes certain parts of our personality
Often in the past we have excluded parts of our personality. We have done something and then comes a judgment by another part of our personality that disapproves of that action.
When we cannot accept what we have done we then create a mental separation. This can arise when we have a feeling that is inconsistent with our mental idea of who we are. In other words, with our mental identity.
For example: I feel negative but I am a positive person. I feel angry but I am a calm person. I feel stupid but I am a smart person, or maybe the other way around!
Do you think you are experiencing a lack of self-love?
If someone thinks that he or she has insufficient self-love, it may stem from a mental idea that is often shaped by an event(s) from the past.
For example, you did something wrong, you failed, you got criticised or something like that. A mental judgment then appears that you are not good enough, you are worthless, you are a failure and so on.
This idea can come from the opinion of other people or from your own thinking, from your ego / intellect. It doesn’t come from your heart, not from self-love. Self-love would never say that because all judgments come from the mind, not from your heart.
How emotions work “Energy in motion”
The word “emotion” means “energy in motion”. To better understand how emotions work let’s use a metaphor:
Imagine for a moment that your body is a clear container. This container starts out empty and is therefore also neutral and transparent. Outside your container is a wave of invisible energy without form that can become a form at any time.
This form then becomes an emotion and we can call these different forms: Joy. Fear. Empathy. Anger. Love. Shame. Connection. Grief. And so on.
When something happens in your life, an emotion can be created from the formless energy around you. This emotion is then a reflection in your body of what the story about the situation in your head means to you. Whether or not the story is imaginary or is actually happening in the physical world doesn’t really matter much as long as it means something to you.
An imaginary story is usually a story about what happened in the past or about what could happen in the future. But it can also be about what is happening to the physical world here and now.
So a story is made in your imagination and the emotion is then a representation in your body (container) of what the story in your thinking means to you.
So for example:
If you think, “I lost something that was important to me” you might feel an emotion of sadness.
If you think, “I gained something that is important to me” you might feel an emotion of joy.
The emotion is then a direct reflection in your body of what the story in your thinking means to you at that moment and the story is about “I” or “Me”
So a situation happens in your life and from the formless energy around your container a form is created in your body and this form is an emotion.
The purpose of this emotion is to communicate to your intellect how you feel at that moment.
The emotion does not take it into account if this feeling remains within the limitation or your mental identity. It simply communicates how you feel at that moment in relation to the story in your head.
It is then the intention that your intellect receives this communication and also confirms that the communication has been received and is therefore also understood.
When this is confirmed, the emotion can leave your container because its job is done. It is a signal and once the communication has been passed on and is confirmed there is no reason to linger. So the emotion keeps moving, “energy in motion” as it should be.
A problem can arise when the emotion is judged as “bad” or “wrong” because then according to your mental programming this emotion is not allowed to express itself and is therefore blocked.
We can call this kind of blockage ‘a subconscious blockage’ and it remains blocked in your container (body) until it can honestly express itself. And we can call this kind of mental restriction that holds back the emotion: A mental defence mechanism.
Mental defence mechanisms
A mental defence mechanism can be any behaviour that a human can do. Typical defence mechanisms are: Alcohol. Drugs. Smoking. (excessive) Eating. (excessive) Sex. (excessive) Television, but it can also be: Sports. Working. Reading. Studying. Or whatever.
A mental defence mechanism tries to protect you from what your intellect perceives as “negative” or “bad” emotions so that you always feel good.
The problem with this is that a mental defence mechanism often creates and maintains what it is trying to prevent.
Because by constantly blocking the “negative” emotion, the emotion cannot leave and so it stays in your system, which means that you have to feel it for an even longer time and it keeps coming back because it wants to leave. It has to leave. It is not meant to get stuck in your body, and if it gets stuck there for too long it can be harmful to your health.
But in order to get out, it must be able to express itself honestly, and this action is continually stopped by the mental defence mechanism that tries to protect you by holding back the uncomfortable emotion.
An emotion is neither good nor bad
The mental idea of a defence mechanism is that an uncomfortable emotion is “bad” or “wrong” and should not be felt.
From the perspective of your intellect, an uncomfortable emotion is a “problem” that you need a “solution” for.
From the perspective of your feelings, an emotion is a signal that needs your attention because it is an honest communication.
This “solution” then becomes a mental defence mechanism. This is often an activity that makes you feel good and / or distracts you so that you don’t have to feel that uncomfortable feeling. Therefore it has a positive intention to help you so that you don’t feel bad but this doesn’t work over a longer period of time.
If an activity is found that can successfully distract you at the time and make you feel better, it is used over and over again to ‘protect’ you from the uncomfortable feelings. If this is used continually it turns into a automatic behaviour and it activates itself automatically when an uncomfortable feeling threatens to appear.
At this point, the mental defence mechanism has become fully automatic and is now a part of your automatic programming. You could also call this ‘an addiction’ or ‘a habit’ and therefore it becomes more difficult to stop that particular behaviour. So a situation arises where the emotion wants to express itself but it is always blocked by the mental defence mechanism. We could call this an inner conflict.
People often experience this as a loss of control over their own behaviour, they want to stop the behaviour but don’t know how.
You can regain this control by taking over the responsibility of the automatic programming so that you are now the authority and leader in your system.
Have you now become the authority and leader in your inner world / system?
When you were born and were young you couldn’t take care of yourself. You didn’t know how to find food, how to keep a roof over your head, and generally how to interact with the world.
Fortunately, you had at least one authority figure who could teach you it all. We call this authority figure Mother and / or Father (or Guardian) and they remain the authority in your life until you are old enough to be able to do it all on your own. This authority figure must teach you what is “Right” and what is “Wrong”. In other words, what is good and bad.
A problem can arise and develop when certain emotions are allowed and not allowed to be felt and this is almost unavoidable.
For example: If you grew up in a family where you are not allowed to cry because this is “weak” then the deeper intelligence in your system (in your body / mind) learns that this emotion is “bad” and this is therefore accepted in your fixed mental programming as: “This emotion is not allowed and is therefore bad”
This deeper intelligence is there to protect you and will continue to do so for your entire life with the knowledge, wisdom and skills it has built and developed up until that point in your life. Natural faculties such as your instinct, intuition and your intellect and rational thinking (which develop later) and so on are also used for this. You could also call this deeper intelligence your subconscious or your unconscious.
So this deeper intelligence knows that until now you have not learned enough to take care of yourself and therefore you must obey this authority figure (your parents or guardian), and because of this you have to develop “please” behaviour.
Because if you disobey you can be rejected and if you are rejected you cannot take care of yourself and that could mean “death” and of course that is not acceptable.
So after a certain time you have a list of emotions that are allowed and therefore “good” such as happiness, love, gratitude and so on. And also a list of emotions that are not allowed and are therefore “bad” such as sadness, anger, shame, jealousy and so on.
What the deeper intelligence then does is hide the emotions that are not allowed and show the emotions that are allowed.
So at a very early age and until you are old enough to take care of yourself and after that, this mental censorship of approval and disapproval of your emotions carries on.
This mental censorship creates thought patterns that later in life will act as your mother and / or father (or guardian). So you have one or two mental authorities in your head in the form of mental thought patterns. You could say imaginary parents who live in your mental programming in your head.
Your emotions are always an honest communication of how you are feeling at that moment and they do not allow themselves to be censored by the limitations of mental ideas and fixed structures trying to determine who you should be and how you should feel.
An emotion is always an honest communication of how you feel at the moment and they do not allow themselves to be censored by the limitations of mental ideas and fixed structures that try to determine who you should be and how you should feel.
For example, when it is said that you are not allowed to feel sad, it does not mean that that feeling of sadness is no longer created.
On the contrary, when you feel sad, that feeling of sadness appears anyway regardless of how it is going to be judged because emotions are not limited or censored by the rules and the fixed structures of what thinking try’s to enforce.
This can create a disagreement between what you think and how you feel because the mind says:
“You shouldn’t feel this way” while your feeling says “This is how I feel”
So thinking cannot stop an honest feeling being created, but it can block and hide the feeling because it has learned from the authority in your life; some emotions are good and may be expressed and other emotions are bad and may not be expressed. I call this conditional love.
This love with conditions is taken directly from the authority in your life and says, some emotions are good and some are bad. Some emotions are allowed and some are not.
But the emotions, of course, don’t adhere to these limited mental rules.
You feel how you feel regardless of how you “should” feel according to certain imposed mental rules. The emotions that should not be there are put under lock and key to keep them hidden and after many years a situation can arise where quite a lot of emotions are piled up in several layers.
Also if you have ever experienced a heavy event in your life that was too much for you at the time such as a traumatic situation, these emotions are also locked up until later when you are old enough, strong enough and also wise enough to be able to deal with them by feeling them with unconditional love.
The important difference is that unconditional love says: “You can be as you are without having to change”
This in contrast with conditional love that says: “You can only be accepted, if you meet my conditions, otherwise you cannot be accepted”
Unconditional love comes from your heart / feeling and is unlimited by mental structures and rules
Conditional love comes from your mind / intellect and is limited by mental structures and rules
Of course compared to a child, an adult can understand this insight much more easily, and can also apply it so that he or she no longer has to “please” his or her parents. So after many years of hiding some emotions, you can have a lot of emotions under lock and key that are eager to be released in order to heal.
A typical sign that emotions are under lock and key, are triggers in your daily life when you react considerably “out of proportion” without knowing why.
Your mental parents who live in your subconscious
The problem then is that you usually have one or two mental parents in your mind in your mental programming. These are certain thinking patterns that you have been given by the authority in your life (parents or guardians) that are still active in your subconscious and they try to determine what you may feel and what you may not feel because that is how they were programmed.
It’s as if the authority (parent or guardian) still runs your life despite the fact that you’ve already flown the nest. I call these parents: Your ‘mental parents’ and until you are willing to take over the responsibility and function of this authority figure in your system, they can always (negatively) influence you.
And sometimes this can go so far to the point where you live their life instead of living your own. Why? Because you are still consciously or subconsciously pleasing your mental parents by continuing to reject some emotions and allow others. And also by doing what your automatic programming in your head says that you should do, instead of doing what your own heart says to do.
Your heart is your authentic self and lives in the here and now. This is self-love.
Your automatic programming is your mental imaginary self and lives in the past or the future.
It is therefore highly recommended that you take responsibility for your automatic programming. Because when you make sure that this automatic programming is adjusted and remains up to date so that it matches what your heart wants in the here and now, that’s when the real magic happens in your life.
This is because your heart and your automatic programming come into alignment and you experience inner harmony instead of conflict, and you live your own life instead of doing what your (mental) parents still want you to do.
Conditional love is not the fault of your parents or guardian
Let’s be clear that this situation of conditional love for your emotions is not to blame on your parents or guardian. Your parents or guardian are doing their best with what they have, even if it doesn’t really work out for you.
Sometimes you are lucky that your parents or guardian are doing good by stimulating you positively and giving you the space to make your own mistakes so that you can learn from them. By supporting you when the going gets tough. And helping you by teaching you everything you need in this life so that you can be happy, independent and resourceful.
Sometimes you don’t have this because your parents or guardian are people and they make mistakes too.
But advantageous or disadvantageous, good or bad, your parents or guardian are people too. They put up with some things and not with others, so it cannot be otherwise that the situation arises that some of your emotions are allowed and some are not.
YOU can give yourself unconditional love Now. This is called Self-love.
The important difference to note is that when you are old enough to take care of yourself you can give unconditional love to your own emotions
This is so important that I will repeat it again.
When you are old enough to take care of yourself, you can give unconditional love to your own emotions
Because YOU no longer have to hide or reject your own emotions.
The uncomfortable emotions you are feeling now are actually younger versions of yourself that still feel that way, and when you give them unconditional love they can express themselves and therefore be accepted without judgment, without limitation, without censorship.
This is self-love. Self-love is recognizing, respecting and accepting ALL parts of yourself without judgment.
This way, you can now allow all the emotions that have accumulated over the years to express themselves honestly and clearly without being judged. Because it is no longer life-threatening to allow the “bad” emotions to be seen, heard or felt because YOU have now become the leader in your own system.
YOU have now become the authority in your own system!
You no longer have to please your mental parents because you have now become an individual. You can take care of yourself. You can arrange your own food. You can keep your own roof over your head and so on and if you cannot do this yet, you can learn it so that you can be independent and live your own life.
So the choice is obvious:
Do you want to live the life of your parents or guardian?
Or do you want to live your own life, a life based on what YOU want?
If you want to continue to live the life of your parents or guardian, you don’t have to do anything because it is already fixed in your mental programming.
But if you want to determine your own life, you can first take responsibility for continuing to do this and for making your own decisions, and simultaneously give unconditional love to all parts of yourself whenever they appear.
In this way you can allow yourself to heal again and again and at the same time continue to adjust and optimize your fixed mental programming.
Which choice will you make?
Realize: Uncomfortable feelings are not a problem! These are important signals that require your attention
Uncomfortable feelings are not a problem. These are important signals that require your attention. The fact that you think they are a problem is the problem.
This is so important to realize and understand that I am going to repeat it again!
The fact that you think uncomfortable emotions are a problem is the problem because this is a misunderstanding. It’s a miscommunication between your intellect and your feelings. Uncomfortable feelings are not a problem. These are signals that require your attention. It is an invitation to help younger versions of yourself heal. It’s an opportunity to get to know yourself better. It is an opportunity to help parts of yourself become whole again.
With regard to the natural communication between your intellect and your feelings, this insight and understanding is one of the most important you can ever discover I think.
This is because when you realize, recognize, understand and apply this insight regularly, you will never again think that an uncomfortable feeling is a problem because it really isn’t a problem.
It is an invitation and therefore also an opportunity to allow a younger version of yourself (who still feels that emotion) to heal with unconditional love.
Because conditional love says to an uncomfortable feeling, “I’ll give you my attention for a while so that you will leave because I don’t like you”
And unconditional love says to an uncomfortable feeling, “I’ll give you my attention for as long as you need it so that you and I can heal together because we are one”
Conditional love is selfish because it’s only about me.
Unconditional love is self-love because it is about us. “Us” means all parts of yourself including uncomfortable feelings. This is unconditional love for ALL parts of yourself. Self-love recognizes only one “I” with many different parts, just like one body with many different cells that make up the whole.
This means that for self-love there is no time limit because this love is forever because everything happens in the here and now anyway.
There are no conditions and therefore no requirements.
There is no “must” but “can”
There is only the sincere intention to help heal all parts of yourself and this makes a huge difference to your quality of life.
Question: When it comes to uncomfortable (negative) feelings have you ever thought or said?
“I want these feelings to go, when will they go?”
Or: “I’ve done everything I can to get rid of this problem but it keeps coming back. When will it ever go away?”
If so? Then this mentality of conditional love is most likely the very reason that the feelings don’t go away and therefore keep coming back. This is because with this mentality you are always rejecting at least one part of yourself and therefore that part of you cannot really be healed.
Self-rejection is actually the opposite of Self-love.
So if you really want to heal yourself, it is logical and obvious that you can only really do this with self-love. In other words, having unconditional love for the uncomfortable emotion(s)
This simple insight and change in your mindset is what is needed if you really want to heal.
Because the moment you realize, recognize, understand and actually apply this insight on a deep level, you immediately experience a wonderful, impressive revelation of:
“That’s why in the past I couldn’t get rid of this because I was constantly rejecting myself. Parts of me kept asking for healing and I turned my back on them. ”
“They invited me to communicate with them but I declined contact. They begged me for help and I tried my best to ignore them by seeking distraction or doing things to get away from them.”
“No wonder it hurt me because that was the opposite of self-love. That was self-rejection.”
From now on…..
“That is why it is now time to change this immediately.
From now on I recognize, respect and accept ALL parts of myself unconditionally, without judgment, without resistance, without censorship. When I feel uncomfortable feelings I recognize this as an important communication from a part of me that requires my attention.”
“From now on, the quality of my attention is loving, respectful, curious and helpful. It is a warm, powerful, loving sunbeam from my heart, as I now have the wisdom and a deeper understanding of the natural mechanism in my system that constantly controls the natural communication between my head and my heart, that is, between my intellect and my feelings.”
“And if at a certain time, I don’t have enough time to connect with uncomfortable feelings (signals) then I will make time for them because my happiness, health and well-being is very important and my love for all parts of myself is unconditional, infinite and unlimited.”
“From now on this is my normal mentality, my warm energy and my standard way of being. This is my lifestyle, and how I live my life from now on because I choose for happiness, well-being and harmony in the here and now, which means that instead of living in my head as before, I now choose to live in my heart, so that I go through life authentically“
“I now realize that I am actually self-love and that is why I love all parts of myself unconditionally, and because I have an abundance of self-love I naturally share this with others.”
So to sum it up very clearly and to finish up now:
Self-love is unconditional love, and unconditional love is love without resistance to “what is”
Self-love is unconditional love for ALL parts of yourself. This means all your good points and all your bad points. All “negative” thoughts and feelings and all “positive” thoughts and feelings.
Often certain thoughts and feelings are accepted as “good” and others as “bad.” This is conditional love. This kind of love comes from your intellect and demands how love MUST be.
This kind of love says, “As long as you are the way I want, I love you otherwise I don’t love you”
When ALL thoughts and emotions are accepted for what they are without having to adapt to a mental structure, this is unconditional love. This kind of love comes from your heart.
This kind of love says, “I recognize, respect and accept you the way you are without judgment and so I love you unconditionally”
This is simply said: Self-love
Would you like to utilise self-love right now to do some inner healing? If so, click here:
Do you have a question about this subject?
Or would you like to make an appointment for a FREE CONSULTATION?
If so contact me (Dave) now by using this contact form underneath or for more information click here: Schedule a free consultation?
Please note! I always reply within 2 days.
If you don’t receive an email from me within 2 days, please check your spam folder especially if you have a Gmail or Hotmail account as these accounts very often put new email addresses in the spam folder. If you give me your phone number I will app you via WhatsApp instead of emailing you.
Thanks and have a nice day!