Neutral communication

Stay neutral and empathetic in your communication with others by using the MSK (Magic Secret Key) in a simple four-step process

Stay neutral and empathetic and avoid unnecessary conflict with people by learning and applying this simple four-step process during conversations.

With this method, you do not try to convince anyone that you are ‘right’ and do not allow yourself to be convinced that you are ‘wrong’. Your intention is only to communicate clearly what you want without trying to convince the other person of anything. You only offer a different perspective, nothing more.

1: Listen with kind, loving, and curious attention

This is because you want to do two things here. First, you really want to understand what the other person is saying. Second, you want to feedback / mirror what the other person has said. And with both of these things, of course, you can’t do that if you haven’t listened carefully.

2: Relay back / mirror what is said and ask the other person, “Is that correct?”

3: Use the ‘magic secret key’ (MSK) and say to the other person:

“Okay, and you can (think / say / believe / suggest) that.”

Or: “Okay, you can (think / say / believe / suggest) whatever you want.”

Or: “And that is understandable” (not that you agree, but that you understand that the other person has a different opinion / perspective).

Or: “And that is understood.”

Or: “And that’s your opinion.”

Or simply: “Okay” or “Okay, that can be” or “Okay, it is what it is.”

By doing this, you show empathy and make a connection on an empathetic emotional level rather than on an intellectual level.

You offer absolutely no resistance to what is being said.

On the contrary, you recognize and acknowledge what was said without saying it is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Therefore, you remain completely neutral.

4: Share your perspective by saying, “And at the same time (your perspective / opinion)”

Here you can say:

“And at the same time (your perspective / opinion).”

Or: “That said, (your perspective / opinion).”

Or: “(Your perspective / opinion without anything else).”

Or: “Lets just agree to disagree, and that’s okay”

Or: “Okay we just don’t agree, let’s leave it at that.”

Note! Don’t say, “But…”

Because then you are not showing empathy! With the word ‘but,’ you are actually saying, on purpose or not, “My opinion is more important than yours,” and so you go into battle to ‘win the discussion’.

So that way you take a side and therefore you are no longer neutral!

The 4 steps, simply put:

Step 1: Listen

Step 2: Mirror

Step 3: MSK: “Okay, and you can (think / say / believe / suggest) that.”

Step 4: Share your perspective by saying, “At the same time…..(your opinion)”

Please note:

• You can skip Step 2 when it is not necessary.
• You can say step 3 and then add nothing afterward, for example, “Okay, it is what it is.”
• You can link steps 3 and 4 together so that it becomes one sentence, and you can also say step 4 first and then say step 3. For example, (step 4) “I disagree with that completely (step 3), and that’s okay too.”

It is also not necessary to stay only in the four-step process during a conversation. Perhaps this is desirable, but it is also not a bad thing if you deviate and get into the “yes-no” for example.

If you find that you are trying to convince the other person of your opinion, you can always get out of this and go directly back to the four-step process by saying, (step 3)  “Okay, and you can (think / say / believe / suggest) that.” (step 1) and then listen with kind, loving and curious attention.

You could learn and apply this method of staying neutral much more easily if you applied it to your own thoughts first. Because the thoughts in your head are the same kind of thoughts expressed by other people.

If you want to learn this and also practice it regularly, which is highly recommended, you can start here: Apply self-love to negative thoughts

Enjoy!

Stay in your heart instead of in your head (intellect).

The window metaphor

Imagine you are sitting across from someone and there is a window between you. For you, the window is on the left hand side, while for the other person it is on the right, because you are sitting across from each other.

If you were to say, “The truth is that the window is on the left hand side.”

And the other person would say, “The truth is that the window is on the right hand side.”

Who would be right?

The answer, of course, is that you are both right and at the same time both wrong. It depends on how you look at it, because the position from which you look at something determines the perspective of how you perceive something.

So if you or the other person absolutely will not change position (opinion, perspective, idea) to perceive something from a different angle, then that position is ’the truth’ for you.

That’s why there are millions of positions and perspectives from which you can view the world, all of which are both ’true’ and ‘not true’. It just depends on how you look at it.

“Which truth / perspective is most helpful to me right now?”

There is only one truth that applies to all of us, and that is that we all have the ability to realize, perceive and therefore experience what is happening. This is true for all of us because without this ability to realize, we cannot perceive anything.

So we can all perceive the window, but how we perceive it and from what perspective we do so can change all the time.

Conclusion: There are millions of truths, so the obvious question then is:

“What do I really want? What is really important to me right now?”

“Which truth / perspective is the most helpful for me to get / realize it right now?”

That’s why it’s not a matter of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but of the simple recognition:

“Which perspective at the moment is the most helpful to me?”

An example of a conversation with neutral communication in 4 steps:

The person says, “I think you should do what I say.”

Step 1: You listen with kind, loving and curious attention.

Step 2: You feedback what the other person has said and ask, “So you think I should do what you say, is that right?”

The person says, “Yes, that’s right.”

Step 3: Apply MSK: You say, “Okay, you can think that.”

Step 4: Share your opinion: “And at the same time, I don’t agree, because I don’t have to do anything you say.”

Note: When someone starts coming up with labels, its often because they have run out of substantial arguments. For example, “You are this, you are that.” That’s also why they are more likely to get angry with you.

Just stay calm and alternate between Step 1 and Step 3 until they calm down, or until they or you decide to walk away because there’s just no point in talking further.

Another example:

You are working in a café and have a confrontation with a customer who is being nasty to another customer, and then to you as well, after you confront him about his behavior.

This results in an argument, and you tell the customer to behave himself or leave the café. The annoying customer gets angry and walks out of the café.

Someone who has just entered the café and has not seen what has just happened earlier makes an comment about your approach. You think this is unfair and you disagree with him.

The person says, “You shouldn’t be like that, you know.”

You say, “What do you mean? You don’t even know what it’s about.”

The person says, “Yes I do, that’s not the right way to treat customers.”

You say, “You just arrived, you didn’t see what happened before that.”

The person says, “That doesn’t matter, I already know enough. Do you treat all your customers like that?”

You say, “You’re judging me, but you don’t even know what just happened.”

You find yourself trying to convince the other person that you are right, and you have already clearly told your side of the story. So now you switch to neutral communication:

The person says, “I know you’re doing a bad job.”

Step 1: You listen to what the other person is saying.

Step 2: You say, “I’m doing a bad job?” (with an upward intonation)

The person says, “Yes, you are.”

Step 3 and 4: You say, “Well, you can think that. At the same time, you don’t even know what you’re talking about, because that customer was being nasty to another customer, and you missed that.”

The person says, “I saw enough already.”

You say, “That’s what you think.”

The person says, “Yes, you are wrong!”

Step 3 and 4: You say, “Okay, you can think that. Believe whatever you want.”

The person says, “Yes, because I’m right.”

Step 3: You say, “And you can believe that too.”

The person says, “Yes, because it’s true.”

Step 3 and 4: You say, “Well, that’s understandable. If you want so badly to convince yourself that you are right, you can do that.”

The person says, “You say this because you know I’m right.”

Steps 3 and 4: You say, “Think what you like. At the same time, it sounds like you don’t even believe it yourself.”

The person says, “I don’t have to believe it because I know it’s true.”

Steps 3 and 4: You say, “Think whatever you want. And yet you are still trying to convince me that you are right.”

The person says, “I’m not, I know that you are wrong here.”

Step 3 and 4: You say, “You can say whatever you like, and yet you are still trying to convince me that you are right.”

The person says, “Because I am right.”

Step 3 and 4: You say, “Okay, the more you try to convince me, the more it sounds like you don’t believe it yourself. Otherwise you wouldn’t keep trying.”

The person says, “Because I know I’m right.”

Step 4 and 3 and 4: You say, “Well, then we disagree, and that’s okay. Let’s leave it at that. Do you want to order something or shall I move on to the other customers who are waiting here?”

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